During the first call with my new health coach, she told me to stop weighing myself. I agreed to cease this action and hid our scale next to my hair dryer and a pack of cotton balls in a bathroom cabinet. That lasted three days. The scale is now back on the black-and-white ceramic tile floor beside my bathtub, and I step on it every morning after I wake up. Some days I weigh myself multiple times. Don’t tell my health coach.
I have operated with a diet mentality for thirty years. As a serious classical ballet dancer during my teens, I paid a whole lot of attention to what I ate. One memory that stands out is when I lasted several months on a fat-free diet during junior high school. Do you remember those Snackwells sandwich cookies? They were loaded with sugar to improve their taste and make up for their lack of fat. I could eat a whole box of those things when I returned home after several hours of ballet classes and rehearsals. I would need a meal with real food, too, since the cookies were practically sugar air. It was all good, though, because they were fat-free.
Other diets I’ve tried include the cabbage soup diet, Slim-fast, Dexatrim appetite suppressants, the Atkins diet, Weight Watchers (multiple times), and basic calorie counting using an app on my phone. But the eating plan I stuck to the most was the binge-and-fast diet, also known as an eating disorder. I would restrict my quantities of food and sometimes cut out whole food groups, then I would crash and eat everything in sight. I would fast to make up for the binge and to punish myself for my lack of control. This cycle was so engrained in me that it happened on a subconscious level—I never thought much about it. It was just the way I ate—or didn’t eat—during various seasons of my life.
I’ve always wished my body was different. I’ve allocated a lot of brain power to wanting my hips to be narrower and my thighs to be slimmer. The crazy thing is during most of my adult life I was on the skinny side of average. But that was not enough for me. I wanted to be even thinner. What I saw in the mirror were huge hips and a small chest that were not in proportion. I saw thighs that needed a bigger thigh gap. I saw a body I could never accept.
I entered recovery for my eating disorder two years ago. I no longer binge and fast so in some ways I’m healthier than I’ve ever been. But I have gained 70 pounds in those two years. When the number on the scale started increasing I turned to various “healthy” diets to lose weight. Nothing has worked, though. When I count my calories perfectly and eat 1700-1800 calories each day, I do not lose the one and a half pounds each week my app tells me I should be losing. I can’t help but think I’m missing some pieces of the puzzle. I’ve read articles about how diets don’t work. Now I’m real-life proof. I’m also trying to figure out where the Law and Grace and the Gospel fit in the body image and food equation. I’ve known since I became a Christian during my junior year of college that my security is in my standing as a child of God, but I have never been able to live in light of that truth. I care too much about my appearance. And I care too much about what others think of my appearance.
I want to let go of my body shame and be normal around food, but I don’t think I can get there on my own. After a bit of research, I found Isabel Foxen Duke’s website. I read her blog and watched a few introductory videos explaining her approach: quit dieting, get in touch with your body’s hunger and fullness signals, and learn to accept and love your body as it is. She says your weight will settle where it’s supposed to be after you stop restricting food and trying to force yourself into a certain size and/or a specific number on the scale.
After several emails with Isabel’s assistant and a phone interview with Isabel, I started working with her one-on-one. I have tried to not diet for one whole week, but old habits die hard. In addition to weighing myself (diet mentality), I reloaded the calorie-counting app on my phone a couple of times so I could plug in my food portions and determine how many calories I had consumed (diet mentality). I also went for a walk a few days ago because I felt too full—I needed to burn some calories so I could feel good about myself (diet mentality). I’m sure there are other examples, as well.
While listening to one of Isabel’s recorded audio lessons, I heard the gospel preached to me. Isabel’s not a Christian, but the truth is the truth regardless of the delivery mechanism. After hearing her speak about her very counter-cultural approach, I began to believe—in a mustard seed sort of way—that my worth is not wrapped up in my appearance, a number on the scale, or my ability to lose weight and fit into my favorite pair jeans. I realize dieting and my diet mentality are detrimental to my health, my view of myself, my view of God, and my ability to pay attention to my body and its signals.
A few weeks ago I spent two hours at the beach on the way home from visiting my parents at their home in Florida. A man and woman were nearby playing with their two huge, energetic dogs. They kept throwing a tennis ball into the gulf and the dogs would take turns swimming into the water to retrieve it. The woman was far from a size four, had on a red bikini, and was completely comfortable with her body. She was full of joy and had an air of freedom that radiated from her—a freedom I haven’t known in a long time. I sat in my beach chair in the bright sun and watched them play. With my coverup on over my swimsuit, I longed for what she had.
Isabel thinks I can find freedom. She thinks I can heal and become more of who I was created to be. I’m starting to think so, too. A lot needs to change–a good step might be getting rid of my scale. What I’ve been doing for the past 30 years hasn’t been helping and it’s probably been hurting.
I believe God wants me to have freedom, as well. God’s Word says He sent His Son to set the captives free. I don’t want to be a captive to my food issues and body shame anymore. I want Him to set me free.
I’m going to be posting about this new journey toward freedom and health every three or four weeks here at Mockingbird. I hope you join me and read along as I process what it might look like to live in light of the gospel in areas connected to food and my body. These are issues many people struggle with and I pray Jesus shows us Himself, His way, and His truth. (I’m also starting a weekly newsletter devoted to this new endeavor. You can sign up for it here.)
COMMENTS
13 responses to “Seeking Freedom from Dieting and Body Shame: Part One”
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Ill be following this fosho. Dieiting and exercise have always lead to weight loss for me, though not as effectively as ive aged (im only 34). Its always hard work with fleeting results. Its way easier to put it on. Im more interested in your post becasue I wonder about the actuality of acceptance vs the reality of it. I believe we are accepted by God for Christs sake. But feeling that and especially living in light of that, are a much different story for me. I mostly just live like any other sinner, except for some intermitten times, and only then in a limited capacity, when the gospel I suppose, is really at work in a tangible way. And though I wish it werent so, I hope this is how it is suppose to be, because if not, then I might not have the Spirit.
I think it’s important for us as Believers to remember God has us even if we don’t feel like we’re living in light of His truths. That’s why we need the gospel. I don’t want to work myself into being more aware of God’s grace–His grace is lavished upon me even if I’m unaware of it. My issue is probably more of a cognitive issue where I’m believing lies about who I am instead of believing the truth about who I am. I pray God will help my unbelief.
Having been a player, coach & Dad of a player body fat is a lifelong “thing”. I had worked out when our children were too old to baby, so being fat meant less to me for my 40’s, but I had had enuf 10 years ago and spent 8 months dropping 1/3 of myself: and wrote about it, too: https://savedbydesign.wordpress.com/category/not-as-fat/page/6/ – as you might guess, some of my bloat slowly returned over the last decade: I could still wear most of mu clothes, but I clearly had eaten beyond my work-out deficit. Then I had 100 hours in the hospital dealing with a genetic thing (see Mockingbird on “An Irrational Lack of Fear” and was told to lower my blood pressure and I hate drugs: Fascist Denial has led to 30+# off, 15 more to go: its am interesting thing: as noted in the earlier writing…
I’m going to read about all of that and might come back to comment more soon!
I’m finding that not wanting to be on cholesterol medication as a motivation for eating more plant-based foods is a way more effective strategy than wanting to be skinny as a motivation for eating more plant-based foods. My cholesterol skyrockets when I eat too much animal foods (even when I’m skinny) and the last think I want to do is add more medications to my existing cocktail.
Thanks for presenting this well written post!
Thanks for reading!
I can relate….
I am definitely interested in your struggle as I have had that struggle too-all my life. I’m currently on the counting calories app after a stint on weight watchers. I lost a good chunk of weight but now I’m not losing anymore. I am interested in your quest to find a way to “make friends” with your eating habits. I guess I have a fear that such a thing isn’t possible, but I hope that you find your own peace with it. Blessings!
Hi! Thanks for reading. My primary hopes are to not hate my body anymore and to not be crazy around food anymore. I think having a neutral opinion of my eating habits is a nice goal. Being obsessed about my caloric intake hasn’t worked for me very well. It’s not necessarily about “eating habits.” When I told myself a few weeks ago that I’m done dieting and I can eat whatever I want, I’ve chosen to eat whole foods 95% of the time. I don’t think my eating habits are a problem. My desire to manipulate my body is more of the problem. That dissatisfaction with my body makes me freak out about food. So I’m exploring how to have a better view of my body and food. I don’t think God wants me to hate my body. I do have a bit of hope that I can be free from body shame at some point in the future.
….girl, you have nothing to prove,
nothing to lose,
nothing to hide…..
you said: a lot needs to change….
you don’t need to change….just ask him to take you to the place you begin to feel relax in being you, whatever “you” might mean…..
Let people that like you hang around your days…
….hey, there is no one you need to please with your appearance….not even Him; He is already pleased with you no matter what you do…..
know yourself
like yourself
be yourself
🙂
(That’s a very hard to decipher smiley face in case you can’t tell…)