Recently I rediscovered a little pink paper journal from 2007 tucked away on my shelf. My best friend at the time had given it to me right after I returned from a two-week trip with my family. When I was nine, two weeks felt like an eternity. My friend and I had never been apart for so long, and before I left, we cried and hugged twenty times and gave each other little journals in which we would write to each other every day. The agreement was that when I returned, we would exchange journals and read each other’s stories and notes. A love letter, of sorts.
I laughed thinking about it. And yet it struck me that maybe it was due time to write one to my friends again.
Most of us desire a once-in-a-lifetime love, a soulmate, a great romance. Of course we do. This is natural. I want that; I want that for my friends. But there is another kind of great love, perhaps equally powerful, certainly equally desirable. And that is deep, long-lasting friendship. A relationship that may even be as rare as a romantic one.
As Wallace Stegner writes in his wonderful novel Crossing to Safety
[Friendship] is a relationship that has no formal shape, there are no rules or obligations or bonds as in marriage or the family, it is held together by neither law nor property nor blood, there is no glue in it but mutual liking. It is therefore rare (96).
I would add that there is the very strong glue of Jesus’ love, too — but his overall point holds true. It is a unique type of relationship. We opt in to it; we are neither born into nor bound to it.
There may be no rules or obligations, but like all relationships, friendships take time and work. Friendships don’t form overnight. They are forged in hardship. They aren’t always rainbows and butterflies; sometimes they are messy and hard and sometimes they don’t work out or aren’t meant to last forever. As I’ve written about before, impermanence is not always a reflection of value, and a lot of friends are a gift for a season. Maybe a few months, maybe even a few years. A very good gift. With all the transitions, changes, and moves in life, not every friendship can carry over, and not every one is meant to. Lifelong friendships are rare, and frankly, we can’t fit but too many people in that category.
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One of the greatest love stories in the Bible is one between two friends: Naomi and Ruth. I don’t often hear people refer to the pairing as “close friends,” but that is what they are. Naomi is the mother of Ruth’s husband, and when he dies, she has no formal obligation to Naomi. She chooses to accompany her mother-in-law to Bethlehem and to remain loyal and steadfast to her of her own accord. Naomi actually urged Ruth to leave her and go back to her mother’s home, to her own family. Naomi had lost all hope for her own life, but still she told Ruth to go back to her own people.
But Ruth refuses to leave her side:
Don’t urge me to leave you or turn back from you. Where you go I will go and where you stay I will stay. Your people will be my people and your God my God. Where you die I will die, and there will be buried. May the Lord deal with me, be it ever so severely, if even death separates you and me (Ruth 1:16-17).
I love that one of the firmest commitments and greatest statements of love in the Bible comes from one woman to another. I am convinced that female friendship is one of the world’s strongest bonds. Sorry, men. I don’t mean to discount male friendship halfway through my blog — certainly that is a strong bond, too — but psychologists back me up in saying that women’s friendships with other women tend to be closer and more intimate than male friendships, which tend to be more casual. Really, I think both men and women have much to learn from the other when it comes to ways we tend to go about our relationships, but that’s an article for another day.
Friendship is powerful. Friends don’t just bring joy to our lives; they sharpen us, they help us see God more clearly, they carry our burdens with us. As we learn in the wisdom literature, Ecclesiastes: “Two are better than one, because they have a good return for their labor: If either of them falls down, one can help the other up” (4:9-10). There is no romanticization of “two” here; we often hear this verse in the context of a romantic partnership, but it also could mean two friends.
In his Ten Percent Happier podcast, “The Science of Making and Keeping Friends: Robin Dunbar,” journalist Dan Harris argues that friendship is “an urgent psychological issue.” If you need more proof, psychologist Robin Dunbar points out that medical studies in the last decade or so have made it clear that the best predictor of your psychological health is the quality and number of close friendships, which can include a romantic partner and family, that you have.
But unfortunately, as we know, in many ways it’s harder than ever right now to make friends. Dan Harris continues:
Even before [the pandemic], loneliness and disconnection were on the rise. Modern society just isn’t constructed for social connection. In fact, recent data suggests we are in a friendship crisis, with many of us reporting that we have fewer close friends than ever.
It seems like everyone is talking about the loneliness epidemic these days. Not to throw in another dig at men (ha), but SNL’s hilarious “Man Park” skit highlights both the need for friends of your gender and also the difficulty in finding them. But it also is encouraging in that we can connect over even the most trivial things.
Maybe a park designated for making friends isn’t such a bad idea! I’m mostly kidding, but the idea of having a designated place to meet friends, especially post college, is nice. If you haven’t already read her article, Cali Yee discusses this post-college friend desert and argues that friendship is more a result of proximity than compatibility. Certainly that is true for Naomi and Ruth. Making it a priority to keep up with your friends, spend time with them, and meet people where you are is important — but it doesn’t have to get more complicated than it needs to be. Even if there’s not a “man park,” often the best way to meet friends is just by doing things we love to do in a social setting, whether that be hiking, playing music, painting, etc. And quality is more important than quantity.
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Of all the ways I spend my time, I feel that investing in my relationships, and especially my friendships, is the most worthwhile. One of my favorite authors, Shauna Niequist, writes this in Cold Tangerines
True friendship is a sacred, important thing, and it happens when we drop down into that deeper level of who we are, when we cross over into the broken, fragile parts of ourselves. We have to give something up in order to get friendship like that. We have to give up our need to be perceived as perfect. We have to give up our ability to control what people think of us. We have to overcome the fear that when they see the depths of who we are, they’ll leave. But what we give up is nothing in comparison to what this kind of friendship gives to us. Friendship is about risk. Love is about risk. If we can control it and manage it and manufacture it, then it’s something else, but if it’s really love, really friendship, it’s a little scary around the edges (50).
Real, deep friendships have a lot in common with romantic relationships. They’re exposing; they require effort; they’re a little scary around the edges.
They’re richly rewarding.
I talk to my best girl friends about everything under the sun. Outfit advice, the Bachelor predictions, favorite recipes, “should I wait another hour to text this boy back” advice, prayer requests, spiritual encouragement. The list goes on. We text and call and talk about anything as light as “should I go with the pink or black dress” — actually I’m not sure I’m ready to qualify that as “light” but anyway — to much deeper matters like “I really need prayer and support with a hard family situation right now” or “he broke my heart.” The latter of which is normally followed up by “I’m on my way over with ice cream.”
For long stretches of my life when I was single, my girl friends often stood in the place of a romantic relationship, not a replacement in the same way of course, but providing much of the same — and more, in some ways — emotional and spiritual support that I expected to get from a romantic partner some day. (And, of course, as the SNL skit above shows, even once in a relationship we still desperately need friends.) We check in regularly, share intimate details of our lives, get in the car or on a plane when the other needs a shoulder to cry on, go on fun trips together, spend time with each other’s families, have hard conversations when needed, and consult each other in all kinds of life decisions. We help each other up and carry our burdens together. Heck, we even take cute pictures together and post them with cringey, sappy captions. Two are better than one.
As the saying goes, with friends, happiness is multiplied and grief divided. God knows that it is not good for man — or woman — to be alone. We have limited capacity of course, and often, friendships change. That is okay, too. And maybe the friends he has put in our corner are not who we would have expected or may seem quite random. But what a wonderful, spontaneous gift of grace they are.
Consider this my twenty-five-year-old version of a love letter to my friends. It’s not in a cute pink journal this time but the sentiment remains: I’m really, deeply grateful for each of you, and I don’t deserve you. Where you go I will go. Thank you, God, for the gift of friendship.
COMMENTS
3 responses to “A Different Kind of Love Letter”
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Spot on!
Deep insight. Investing (in anything/anyone) requires vulnerability and thoughtful reflection. I enjoyed your connections and you provoked new reflections. Thank you!
Sarah, this is terrific. “Man Park” is HYSTERICAL!!! And quite wonderful.