Every Time a Bell Rings, Tim Allen Makes a Christmas Movie

Other than presents, my favorite part of Christmas is the movies. And while I love […]

JDK / 12.23.08

Other than presents, my favorite part of Christmas is the movies. And while I love the “classics” like The Christmas Story, It’s a Wonderful Life, Love Actually and Die Hard as much as the next person, there are some Christmas movies that, I think, have been subjected to unfair criteria. Solely as Christmas movies, they deserve to be accepted and affirmed wholeheartedly and without reservation, regardless of how insulting the premise, poor the acting and emotionally manipulative the conclusion. So, with the help of Rottentomatoes.com, I’ve compiled a list of movies that always warm me with Christmas cheer, even if not all of them are critically acclaimed. I’m sure I’ve missed some, what are your favorite terrible Christmas movies?

10 Christmas with the Kranks
Tomatometer: 5% “A mirthless comedy as fresh as last year’s fruit cake.”

Doch! Tim Allen is the underrated comedic genius of our time. . .

9. Deck the Halls
Tomatometer: 6% “Watching “Deck the Halls” is like getting a lump of coal in your stocking. Except receiving a lump of coal takes only seconds, while this awful movie goes on for an hour and a half.”

It’s really not THAT bad, and besides, its always fun to watch Danny DiVito—remember Twins? And, don’t forget how funny he was in Batman as the scarred Penguin-man. Priceless!

8. Surviving Christmas

Tomatometer: 7% “With the release of this wretched film, star Ben Affleck takes one more ragged step in what seems his death march from leading man to celebrity game show guest”

Well, I can’t really argue with this review, but what’s wrong with being a game show guest? Its better than reality-TV show star.

7. Santa Clause III: The Escape Clause
Tomatometer: 13% “Santa’s traditional cry of ho-ho-ho has never sounded more like three stab wounds of pain and horror.”

Starring an inspired Tim Allen, this third installment of the Santa Clause dynasty has Martin Short playing “Jack Frost,” and has to be seen to be believed—really an anti- consumerist morality tale and, I’m sure, shortly out on Criterion:)

6. Jingle all the Way

Tomatometer: 18% “still heartless and unfunny and as welcome a part of the holidays as traffic and fruit cake.”

Au contraire, with Sinbad and Arnold, what could go wrong? Also, there is a wonderful cameo by Tom Arnold playing a barney clone getting beat up by Arnold, and another by Jim Belushi playing a disgruntled North Pole elf who fences stolen toys—nothing says Christmas like that!

5. Fred Clause
Tomatometer: 26% “You’ll have a better time if you spend Christmas wedged up a chimney.”

I really liked the premise, at least. The North Pole clubbing scene with Ludacris and Vince Vaughn, and the scene when Fred teaches the head elf how to dance, alone are worth the ticket or illegal download.

4. The Santa Clause 2: The Mrs. Clause
Tomatometer: 56%! “The script for SC2…is not perfect, but with Allen’s help it delivers more hits than misses.”

That’s what I’m talking about.

3. Scrooged
Tomatometer: 61% “An appallingly unfunny comedy, and a vivid illustration of the fact that money can’t buy you laughs.”

As has been previously noted on this blog, we couldn’t disagree more.

2. Christmas Vacation

Tomatometer: 61% “The ultimate family holiday film, playing on both the heart strings and the horror to capture a genuine Christmas spirit.

I can honestly say that this movie changed my life; is that sad?

1.The Santa Clause

Tomatometer: 77% “…the closest thing we’ve had in the last twenty years to a genuine Christmas classic.”

Tim Allen, you’re my hero.

Merry Christmas!