My father just turned 77. My son is 15. Here I am, “stuck in the middle” (Stealers Wheel) and stuck in a funk. Or at least I was. Much is rightly made about midlife malaise, and for me it was a mix of winter blues, work grind, and a teenage son I feel I’m failing to adequately give attention to. And then two words came unbidden. They didn’t cheer me up, but they provided clarity exactly when I needed it.
The first came from Blake Nail’s wonderful write-up of Jon Bellion’s album Father Figure. I was floored in the best way by this album and by Blake’s insights. The mix of confession and longing highlighted the central place fatherhood holds. I was drawn to songs about the freedom and wonder of being a child, especially “KID AGAIN.” Bellion creates exhilaration, as if I’m a kid leaping from playground equipment and being caught by my dad. His refrain of “I am a kid again, I could do anything” is rooted in the truths of the verses “I’m free when I’m underneath Your light, Jaded and then You opened my eyes.” Or even more explicitly, “I feel the Yah back in control (yeah), I feel the Yah back in my soul.” Being under the care of a loving father gives that true sense that anything is possible, and it gives me the urge to nurture that experience of security and freedom for my son.
What I have found to be especially helpful whenever the middle malaise rears its head is the affective nature of music and of this album in particular. Listening to these songs has raised a desire in me to simply be Dad. Whatever “greater calling” I think I’m missing is in fact a mirage. This album and Blake’s insights reminded me that being in the middle (my 40s) is not a defect or something to get through. Rather, it is a calling that remains when other things fade. It is weighty like few experiences are. The album quite emphatically woke me up in the middle of my funk. This word came from left field, and I’m thankful for it.
The second word came in the form of a men’s retreat I was blessed to attend (and not organize!). It was a two-day outing at a Lutheran camp hosted by a few congregations partnering up, and it featured Scott Keith from 1517. His topic was based on his book Being Dad: Father as a Picture of God’s Grace. I heard him describe his personal motivation for writing, the need for fathers in our culture, and most crucially the word that to be a father is a goal in life and not a distraction or secondary concern. Though his word could be heard as challenge or law, the Spirit gave it to me as an invitation. This is a rare gift. So much talk of parenting is around techniques and results. You must be this kind of parent and get these outcomes for your kid. In contrast, Keith’s invitation was to see that simply being a father has value beyond measure. The fact that it garners little attention or accolades is actually a part of its freedom. There is no crowd to gain approval from and no optimization or acceleration that makes it better. It’s just you and your kid. God’s gifts are never burdens. There isn’t something I’m missing out on in this stage of my life (e.g., career goals, influence, travel, you name it). God has me in the middle with a purpose, and I can rest here.
I returned home and read his book with eagerness. The premise Keith begins with is that “fatherhood is indeed at the core of the universe” (pg. 1). He uses the story of the Prodigal Son as his template to knowing God and as analogy to what fatherhood is at its best. And wouldn’t you know it, “Dad in the Middle” is his phrase describing the father between his two lost and found sons. Being in the middle is not the most comfortable position, but it is crucial. The father is a model of grace in the home. He is masculine in that his power is used for others, for reconciliation and belonging. I felt an urge to get this book into the hands of my friends and talk with them about it. I know through my relationships and ministry work that plenty of other dads in the middle have the same struggles that I do. Keith’s word came to me as empowering in the best sense.
As a Mockingbirder I feel compelled to repeat what I’ve heard and also add my own notes to the song, in hopes that this would be a word of grace and invitation to you as well. In that spirit, I offer up two poems from a “dad in the middle.” The first was written for my dad and inspired by a summer afternoon on the back deck. The second is written for my son and is inspired by everything above, plus Paul Simon’s matchless song “Slip Slidin’ Away.” Happy Father’s Day.
85 in the Shade
Thank God for this dull moment
Bringing value into sharp relief:
Hot, heavy air
Leading to deep sleep.
This moment weighs on me
In the best way–
A word of encouragement,
Back to dozing,
Picking up where we left off,
Asleep again.
He lost his dad at 29.
I’m counting 43.
Slip Slidin’ Away
“Slip slidin’ away”–
The third verse gets me every time.
Tell him you’re proud of him,
Seek out his quirks,
Delight in his strangeness.
Rejoice that he isn’t you
No pressure to tell him everything,
For you don’t know the half of it.
Grace works under its opposite,
So don’t speed down the highway:
Let the current pull you away
and down
and ultimately up.
