Pick up the Phone, It’s Your Long-Lost Friend Jeanette with an Urgent Message about Your Terrible Relationship with Social Media

“Your Relationship with Social Media Sucks. First of All, My Dear, He is a Liar.”

Hi, it’s Jeanette, yes, from years ago. I know it’s been a while, but I just had to call. I’ve kept quiet for too long, so I’m going to come out and say it. Your relationship with Social Media sucks.

First of all, my dear, he is a liar. He tells you that you have hundreds of friends, but strangely, you only seem to spend time with him. You’ve been on vacation together. You eat dinner together. He has this weird way of stirring up envy and tension between you and your friends. Even when you are with other people, you only want to be with him — but when you are, you never feel joyful.

I know it’s hard to hear. Listen, I’ve been there, but I got out of that miserable affair years ago. I don’t usually tell people what to do, because it almost never works, and I don’t pretend to know the private details of other peoples’ relationships — no romance is perfect! — but I can say this: if you are repeatedly returning to someone who puts you down, implies that you are not pretty/funny/smart enough, suggests that you could be prettier/funnier/smarter if only you tried, makes countless empty promises, encourages you to exhibit yourself to people who don’t love you, provides shallow satisfaction but never delivers true, lasting support and love: honey, you need to get out of there.

Of course, any abusive relationship has its perks; there are always perks. After all, there is a reason you got into this relationship in the first place. Social Media has a wicked sense of humor. I know you love that about him. You will miss all of the memes he shows you. And he is so good at following the news; he seems smart in that way. But you can’t waste your whole life with this guy. You are worth more than whatever he is providing. You don’t need his approval, or anyone’s. You don’t need to impress. You are fearfully and wonderfully made.

I know that if you abandon this relationship, you will miss it for a while. You may be filled with regret. He will try to lure you back. He will try to make you feel as if you are missing out. One thing you cannot do. You cannot leave, tell everyone how great it feels to be free of that toxic mess, and then go back to it. Have a spine. (If you have already done this, it’s never too late to try again.) All the while, you will be wondering: If I really leave Social Media, how will I stay in touch with people? You. Will. Call. Them. You will have conversations.

You have your whole life ahead of you. It will not always be easy, or exciting. It may be painful at first, to be alone with all of your thoughts, but in reality, you have been alone for so many years. One day you will grieve for all the sorry people who are back there: in that dismal house, with the ugly curtains, and the dishes your ex never did. But it will no longer be your problem.

I love you forever, okay? Call me back, by which I mean, call a real friend, xoxo,



Featured image: Prateek Katyal on Unsplash

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One response to “Pick up the Phone, It’s Your Long-Lost Friend Jeanette with an Urgent Message about Your Terrible Relationship with Social Media”

  1. Christina says:

    I need to hear from Jeanette more often!

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