This humor list appears in Issue 28 of The Mockingbird magazine, now available to order.
Inner Beauty Face Wash
Cleans your pores all the way down to their very souls. Replaces oil-based debris with patience, kindness and love to give you that white-as-driven snow feeling all day long.
Jesus’ Saliva Eye Cream
Place directly on eyes once to see people as walking trees, twice to cure blindness!
Spot illustration by Ruthy Kim
Weight-of-the-World Loss Program
Pray for 5 minutes three times a day every day for your whole life and you could lose the soul-crushing, weight-of-the-world feeling on your shoulders in just 2-3 days.
Hide God’s Face Eyeshadow
Apply to God’s eyes and literally hide his face from your sins for up to 12 hours.
Proverbs 31 Perfect Wife 12-Hour Energy Drink
For When You Want to Look at Land and Buy It
Imputed Illumination
Make your face shine with the joy of imputed righteousness. Apply the gospel directly to your soul and see immediate results!
Hyssop Cleansing Soap
Tired of bar soaps that leave your skin feeling tight, dry and stripped? Try Hyssop Cleansing Soap to create in you not just smooth, clean skin but a smooth, clean heart.
Naaman’s Jordan River Face Wash (Unfiltered)
Restore your skin to that of a little boy!
David’s 24-Hour Sun/Moonscreen
The sun shall not harm you by day nor the moon by night!
Blood of the Lamb Blemish Remover
For stain and blemish removal. Guaranteed full, perfect and sufficient satisfaction or your money back!
