Last week one of our very dearest and oldest friends killed himself. And so we are going through all of the motions that such an event brings on. We’ve spent most nights in the kitchen weeping and talking. We’ve made gin and tonics. I’ve watched sad internet videos and cried more. We have prayed.
My favorite memory of our friend is from years ago. He was running an auction at my husband’s first church. And there were some very expensive pearls on the block. My husband, then boyfriend, was bidding against a parishioner, and our friend stopped the parishioner and said, “Let the young priest get the pearls for his girlfriend. You know he doesn’t make much money.”
He was a generous spirit. And we will miss him more than words can say.
But this isn’t a piece about him. And I have no intention of trying to shame, or call out, or even to dissuade people who commit suicide. Because, as much as we hate to admit it, I do not believe that works. No, this is a piece for those of us who are left behind.
Each time I hear of another suicide, whether in my life or in my ministry, questions about heaven and hell rise to the top. Normally, these questions are laden with a kind of judgment about how selfish it is to kill yourself. How could you just leave everyone behind with all these questions? Why is it up to you to say when your life ends? Of course, such judgment negates those notes that so often get left at the scene. Notes from the dead that sadly tell us, “You’ll be better off without me.” People who kill themselves are working under a distorted view of selflessness. They think the rest of us will be better off without them. Which just makes the pain of their loss all the more profound.
We are quick to forget that when people choose to kill themselves, they are entirely out of choices. We postulate about how someone could have remembered their family and the pain a suicide would cause. But these are vain (and often necessary) exercises. We do not know what it is like to be so haunted by the world that we can no longer live in it. And so we cannot guess what is happening in someone else’s head.
Over the years the church has offered little comfort to those left behind. At best, preachers have said nothing about suicide. At worst, they have made guesses about what the afterlife must hold for a person who is willing to take away the gift of life God has given them. I never found consolation for suicide in the church. But that doesn’t mean it isn’t there. Some years ago, I heard this story about Martin Luther and it has forever brought me solace when suicide takes yet another precious life:
Luther broke all the rules. He insisted that the young man be buried in the church graveyard. In fact, Luther himself dug the young man’s grave. He did not blame the one who had taken his own life, he blamed the Devil himself. Because the goal of evil is always to tell us that we are unlovable to God. Luther called a thing, a thing. And in doing so, he offered comfort to the family left behind. I find the story incredibly comforting all these years later. It calls to mind that very old hymn:
My song is love unknown,
My Saviour’s love to me;
Love to the loveless shown,
That they might lovely be.
When someone we love takes his or her own life we are left with an unquenchable sadness and unanswerable questions. But I trust God in this and not my own anxious heart. I trust that when people who find this world so undoable that they become undone by it, God does not abandon them. God does not leave His beloved out in the wilderness. Instead, I believe he tucks them so deeply into His heart that those who doubted His profound love for them would know it profoundly.
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20 responses to “On Suicide: Love to the Loveless Shown”
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Thank you for offering a different perspective to how we might view a suicide. I have always assumed, because I was taught this in my church, that suicide is a sin. However, every time I would hear about someone taking his life, it occurred to me that I could not think beyond the idea that this person couldn’t spend eternity in heaven. I believe you are right. God does tuck these souls who have lost all hope deep within his heart. And I believe now that these hopeless ones have the opportunity to be with Him forever.
Sarah,
Well said.
They are counted as the one lost that the Good Shepherd leaves the ninety nine to bring back into His fold.While we may fall under the spell and lies of satin,Christ is always faithful and just to forgive our sins and cleans us from all unrighteousness.Death came into the world by one man and one Man,( who committed eternal suicide for All) has paid the price for All.
I meant to put the parentheses after Adam rather than Jesus but I will let it stand
Beautifully put Sarah. I hope you and your family and community also know yourselves tucked deep within God’s heart.
Our son took his life October 2015. I appreciate your article.
Thank you, Sarah, for this very moving post. Nearly ten years ago, I could have been in your late friend’s place: I came close to taking my life. I knew that sense of ‘unlovable-ness’.
And thank you for sharing what Martin Luther did, for the young man who committed suicide. That shows the love and compassion of God.
Thank you so much for sharing your thoughts on suicide. I was “born again” while reading a book about Martin Luther (as a friend has told me that she felt that my questions and struggles reminded her of what Martin Luther went through, so I went and checked out some books about him from the library). In the church in which I was raised, we were taught that if a person committed suicide it was a sin and they went to hell. When I was a sophomore in high school, my favorite uncle committed suicide. It took me into my late 20’s, early 30’s to deal with this. I remembered talking to the Lord at some point and saying ~~ when I get to heaven, if “D” is not there you are going to have a lot of tears to dry, and left it at that. Then after I became suicidal and had a breakdown, I was driving in my van and the Holy Spirit spoke to me and said that when I was in the hospital, “D” was praying for you. What mixed tears I cried at that, joy, relief, gratefulness… I also had a good friend commit suicide after having her children taken from her. I believe she is in heaven also. I am going to keep a copy of your writing ~~ thanks again!
Thank you for writing this.
It was a few years ago that my brother in law took his life. I loved him dearly and I knew of his faith in Christ. Thankfully no one in our family has questioned his salvation at any point. But others have. As if suicide is the one sin Christ’s death could not atone for. I’m thankful I know that God is gracious.
People often say how selfish it is, and I cringe. I know my dear brother’s sorrow and desperation brought him to a place where he could see no other option than death in that moment. I know he was not thinking reasonably, or clearly. I know he endured great suffering. And now I can take comfort in the power of Christ’s death and resurrection, that even after suicide this one I love is no longer suffering and now with our savior.
Thank you Sarah. We loved him too. It is hard to understand but in the end the conversation does not include us
In the late evening of 3/8/1988, I received a phone call from my brother-in-law that my precious sister, Julie, had suicided that morning. I was home alone & was undone by this news! I was unable to reach my husband, so I called my priest & friend, Gray Temple. He had the words & prayer I needed, & we closed our call with him praying that, as I fell asleep, the Lord would show me that Julie was safe with him. As I sat in my bed, Bible on my lap, I had a vision of Julie on God’s lap, his ams around her. Amen
Sarah, as you said “We do not know what it is like to be so haunted by the world that we can no longer live in it. And so we cannot guess what is happening in someone else’s head,” the following verses from Romans 8 came into my mind:
“In the same way, the Spirit helps us in our weakness. We do not know what we ought to pray for, but the Spirit himself intercedes for us through wordless groans. And he who searches our hearts knows the mind of the Spirit, because the Spirit intercedes for God’s people in accordance with the will of God.”
Indeed, we don’t know what that person is going through, but God’s Spirit does, and he will always intercede for us… especially when we can’t do it ourselves.
Thanks for writing!
So close to the heart for so many of us. I don’t have experience with the situation you’re in, but I know my own heart, and I need to hear the line “Love to the loveless shown,That they might lovely be.” When I hear “might”, I feel a corner turned by hope, and the light of God’s true love to the loveless on full display, almost as a surprise.
Thank you for writing this!
We will never know nor understand the sorrow, the hurt, the fear, the sadness, the utter despair that those who do such a thing are feeling. Yet, I know that grace and mercy of my Jesus is greater than all of these and more.
Lord have mercy, Christ have mercy, Lord have mercy!
Thank you for writing this! I am a believer, I do struggle w this world often finding life in this world not do-able. Thank you for the lack of judgment on this weakness and sin. Thank you for the loving perspective. I’ve read a lot on suicide over the years, most of it shaming and condemning, nothing like what you’ve shared. Thank you.
Dear Sarah,
I find hope and comfort in your words. One of the many difficult burdens for those left behind is the ache that comes from the fact that there was simply no time to say goodbye. God loves your friend and is holding him close now. My wish is that those of you who are grieving will find consolation in each other…
Peace to you and yours,
Suzanne B.