An absolute classic from America’s Finest News Source, via “Jacob Brundle, Vice President of Clearburg Youth Christians’ League”. Clearly young Jacob’s pastor has been preaching on 1 Cor 15:56 (“the power of sin is the law”):
I’ve lived in Clearburg my whole life, and I’ve been attending services at Holy Christ Almighty Lutheran Church for about as long as I can remember. I know my Bible stories, because Mom and Dad saw to it that they raised me right. I figure I’m about as faithful of a 17-year-old high-school kid as there ever was. There’s one thing I don’t understand, though: It seems like practically every week, Pastor Clayman goes off again about the dangers of harlots and jezebels, and how I shouldn’t allow them to tempt me away from the path of the righteous. But as far as I can tell, I’ve never met a so-called “loose woman.” I’m starting to get really curious about where they’re all supposed to be.
I’m not saying I want to associate with loose women—far from it. All I’m saying is, I wouldn’t mind just getting a chance to find out for myself where these loose women might be congregating. So far, all I have to go on is Pastor Clayman’s assurances that they’re tempting us from everywhere. The guy really gets going with his descriptions of the painted faces, the beckoning leers, the naked, perfumed flesh undulating to the throbbing beat of secular music—but they don’t match any of the women in this town in any of the numerous places I’ve checked…
There’s girls at my high school that are supposed to have “bad reputations,” but whenever I try and approach them, they just ignore me or call me “Geek Bundle.” Here’s how many times my soul has been enticed into sin: none.
I drove out to Kendall, Prior Bluff, Plovis—once all the way out to Mitchville—and I didn’t have any luck finding loose women in any of those places, either.
Pastor says they’ve got a whole lot of them in the big city, and you can bet that when I went there for the national Youth League conference last fall, I was watching for them like a hawk. But most of the city women I saw were just riding the bus and staring straight ahead with blank looks on their faces. The last thing they seemed interested in was luring me into the sordid back alleys of vice and hedonism. I mean, they didn’t even make eye contact with me, to tell the truth…
I’ll bet I could resist a loose woman, no problem, if I could ever find one. Sometimes, I imagine myself resisting as many as three or four at a time. Abraham was commanded by the Good Lord Himself to sacrifice his own son as a trial of his faith, and Abraham almost did it, too, before the Lord stayed his hand and told him he’d passed the test. Well, if Abraham’s faith was as strong as that, you’d think the least the Good Lord could do is send me one loose woman and see how I stand up in a real-life test of faith.
[youtube https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HqC-677R-xU&w=600]
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3 responses to “From The Onion: Where Are All These ‘Loose Women’ My Pastor Keeps Warning Me About?”
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“Sir Launcelot had saved Sir Galahad from almost certain temptation, but they were still no nearer the Grail.”
Classic Python, classic Onion.
Mistakenly read this with my students in the room. They think I’m crazy as it is, but my silent laughter over the line “Sometimes, I imagine myself resisting as many as three or four at a time.” probably caused them to think I’m even nuttier. Hilarious stuff