Gosh, been missing ones like this from The Onion! From 2015 but … eternal:
TEMPLE TERRACE, FL—Feeling the need to get out of his suburban hometown and make a fresh start for himself, local man Gregory Forlano told reporters Tuesday that… he is on the verge of severing all ties to his current life in the Tampa area and lapsing into an equally unfulfilling existence for himself in a brand-new city.
“I’ve just been spinning my wheels in this town for so long; I feel like I need to get out of here and become mired in the same problems somewhere completely new,” said Forlano, adding that his discontent over residing in a cramped one-bedroom apartment and patronizing the same two dive bars with a group of shiftless, unambitious friends every weekend had motivated him to seek out an identically limited and unsatisfying existence outside of his comfort zone. “I could really use a change of scenery. It’s about time I headed to some new city where I can start over with a totally blank slate and instantly stumble backward into the same self-defeating behaviors that will ultimately leave me in an indistinguishable, pitiful situation within months.”…
Explaining how he believed he needed to “really shake things up,” Forlano emphasized that the time had come for him to get out of Florida and slip into a virtually identical pattern of ordering takeout from one of three nearby restaurants and spending his ample downtime watching reruns of Law & Order: Special Victims Unit in an entirely different state.
Click here to read the whole thing.
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