I don’t mean to brag, but my past inner critic could probably easily take your inner critic in a fight. It was absolutely ferocious.
I used to think that the heated and relentless hatred from the accuser in my head was a profound personal failing. But now, thanks to professional mental health treatment, I have learned something that would have been helpful to know a looooong time ago: Some of us have inner critics we can’t control. Many of the people around you — deeply kind and loving people who seem perfectly “normal” — are walking around with inner abusers from whom they can’t escape.
It’s true that some people, perhaps even many people, have just never cultivated the discipline to exercise the control they do have over their negative self-referential thoughts. That’s a thing too. But in my mental health advocacy work, I’ve found that the number of people I regularly meet who have fought long and hard but remain in the shadow of a monster in their mind is far greater than most people seem to realize.
It’s not normal for a church to speak effectively into that reality. To be fair, modern mental healthcare itself doesn’t seem to have fully gotten its head around that reality yet either. So for many people, that reality is still inescapable. And despite a lot of wrestling, even I’m not entirely sure what the best way to speak into that reality really is. It’s messy.
But I do have some initial thoughts about the obstacles to understanding grace that this created/creates for me, and I have articulated them by attempting to preach the gospel to my former self in a way that addresses those issues directly.
If I could sit down with the person I was the first time I wandered into a church …
***
Hey! Do you think that everyone in your life or near it would be way better off without you?
Do you assume everyone around you fiercely dreads encountering you, silently gags with disgust as soon as you walk in the room, and is secretly desperate for your departure? Do you constantly silently apologize to everyone in your vicinity for existing? Are you convinced that you’re so repulsive that your mere presence is a toxic pollutant to the atmosphere of every space you inhabit?
(Same, man. Same.)
This gospel is for you.
Okay, so there’s this God guy. He’s actually pretty cool. You’d be into him if you met him.
And get this — God LIKES you. God wants you. In fact, God wanted to be with you since before you were even born, and not just for a 30-minute Zoom call. He’s thinking, like, eternity. In person, LITERALLY bffs forever.
Unfathomable, I know, but stay with me.
What isn’t gonna be surprising to you is that you’re not qualified to get into God’s forever club.
You know you’re selfish, self-centered, self-obsessed. You know you’re last in line (if the line includes all of humanity) for the next Nobel Peace Prize, that you’ve relentlessly prioritized your own survival, comfort-seeking, and escapism over the needs of everyone around you. You hear that you’re sinful, and you think, “Duh, bro.”
Of course, no cool God would let someone like you into heaven.
But, there is an important thing to bring back to your attention when Christians start running their mouths about your sin.
Okay, okay, God hates sin, you get it. He sees that you’re hardcore selfish and, actually, it bothers him even more than it bothers you. (He disagrees with everything else you hate about yourself, but we will get back to that.)
God is thoroughly opposed to sin.
HOWEVER, God is not thoroughly opposed to you.
From your perspective, you ARE your sin. You think you’re nothing more than a stain on existence that needs to be wiped out. But God makes a distinction that you’re not able to see yet: You are not your sin. They are two separate things. God hates the sin, but God doesn’t hate you.
And — get this — if he were to take away that sin, there would still be a you. That person wouldn’t be a different person, it’d be the person you are now, just without the sin. When God takes away your sin, it doesn’t destroy or wipe away the you-ness of your soul. If current you could meet sinless you, you’d be like, “Hey! That’s me!” just without all the sin stuff.
You can’t even begin to get your head around that concept, I know. I’m still struggling to grasp it myself. But, I’m pretty sure it’s legit.
And you, even with everyyyyyyything else that you hate about yourself, are someone he’s TOTALLY into. He imagined you up and created you himself, and he’s a pretty darn good artist. Monet ain’t got nothin’ on God, and God knows it. He made you just the way he wanted to make you, and if something different would have been better, he would have done that. But he didn’t. He put his pencil down, and he’s pleased with his work.
Unlike you, God has healthy self-confidence and perfect judgement. And — bad news and good news — God disagrees with your judgments about yourself. He thinks you’re wrong about how much you suck. Is this totally invalidating your deepest feelings? Yes. I’m sure, on some level, God understands why you feel that way. But he still thinks you’re wrong, and he’s the one in this relationship with perfect judgment, so …
This is all pretty rough, I know. Hang in there, you’re doing great.
Okay! God likes you. I mean, he loves you too, but you’re aware that it’s possible to love someone without liking them, so I know that L-word doesn’t really land in a helpful way yet. We need to deal with the liking thing.
He REALLY likes you. He likes you so darn much that he’s basically the divine version of that emoji that’s got heart eyes when he looks at you. He is bummed about the sin thing though; he didn’t make that. (Long story that involves a talking snake—check out the wild tale about how Earth went off the rails in the first chapter of the book God wrote about it.) So what’s a heart-eyed God to do about this destructively selfish vibe of yours that’s keeping you apart?
Remember, he has full autonomy. Dude is the Chairman of the Universe. He does what he wants. And he wants you.
So he’s gotta do something about that sin and the damage it’s caused. And do you know how much he wants you? He freely decided, with no reservations or resentment, to go through a TONNNNNN of pain and suffering and misery and awfulness to get you.
Wait, hold on. Don’t go.
I know, I know. This is deeply horrifying. I’m totally with you, it brings me extreme distress as well. I cause everyone around me constant agony just by breathing the same air, and now you’re rubbing it in my face that I’m ALSO causing the perfect God of the universe infinite suffering? And I gotta sing about it every week? Are you kidding me?? CAN THIS GET ANY WORSE??
(Probably, but it doesn’t feel like it.)
But! Take a breath. It’s ok.
Before he did it, he was like, “Oh, this is gonna be so worth it.”
And then he did it, and it totally, massively sucked.
But after he did it, he was like, “OMG SOOOOOO WORTH IT!!!”
He is JAZZED that he got you.
Your Christian companions will now tell you that you should be overwhelmed with life-changing gratitude. If I were there, I’d tell them to sit down and shut up for a hot second, but feel free to (kindly) do something to that effect in my absence.
Ideally, you’ll eventually get to a place where you buy in and do feel gratitude, and that’s what God wants because that’s how you will be whole and well. But God doesn’t need your gratitude. He doesn’t need your feelings. He doesn’t need his suffering to give you a sense of divine affirmation. It doesn’t affect how he feels about what he did or how he feels about you. He wanted you, he saw what it cost, he gladly paid it, and he’s tickled with the outcome. No groveling necessary.
Jesus isn’t up there in heaven checking his watch, rolling his eyes, and sighing in frustration over your ungrateful response to his grace. You will get to where he wants you to be, and he has more than enough patience for the journey.
And some seasoned self-hater tips here: What’s the fastest way to make progress toward feeling the gratitude (after you find and begin to benefit from high-quality licensed mental healthcare)? Other people are moved by Jesus’ sacrifice, but for you, thinking about how you caused a gloriously beautiful ultimate being immensely devastating suffering doesn’t resonate positively, and that’s okay. Maybe spend a little more mental energy sitting with what on earth it might mean that he WANTED to do that for you. He wants you. And when you finally roll up into heaven, you’ll still be you. But, like, finally chillin’ IRL with God, who totally likes you and has liked you this whole entire time.
Huh? I know. Makes no sense. Start there.
He’s glad that you’re here, and someday you will be too.
But until then, no pressure.
There’s nothing you can do that will change his mind.
He is totally committed to your healing and wellness, however long that takes, however much you don’t understand, however callous you feel towards him, however many thoughts you harbor during service about burning down a church, however annoying you are along the way, and however many times you go off the rails.
And as you get treatment (holla at your therapist and psychiatrist, woo!), you will eventually be able to see the difference between sin and pathology, heal from the pathology, and begin to really understand what it means to disentangle yourself from the sin. Without something in your head constantly viciously attacking you, the self-hatred will feel way less compelling, and you will finally be able to put a lot of it down, with great relief.
God has the road map to your joy, gratitude, peace, and love all mapped out, and you’ll get there (maybe even sooner than you think).
But until then, no pressure.
He’s glad that you’re here (yes, you), and someday you will be too.
