The subtitle in the Love & Death Issue is, naturally, “How to Bring Hell into Your Household.”
1. Ignore initial pesky feeling that you might be wrong.
If you are thinking to yourself that this is the moment to apologize, forget about it. You started this riot in the street and you are damn well going to finish it. Double down on your argument by 1000% Even if (especially if) you no longer believe it.
2. Ask questions you already know the answer to.
Did you even read that book I suggested? How many drinks have you had? Are we ever going on a vacation again?
3. Blurt out expletives you typically reserve for car accidents.
Most people exist on a sliding scale of what is considered really bad language. But we’ve all got those few words we reserve for life’s most precious moments: car accidents, iPhones dropped in toilets, and fights with our spouse. This is your chance! Because you are mad as hell and fresh out of ducks!
4. Tell them they look just like their mother.
Or father. Just choose whichever parent they have the most contentious relationship with. If you say this enough then you will start to believe it yourself. And then you might imagine you are kissing your mother in law. This one is the gift that you give yourself.
5. Bring up your honeymoon.
Surely, they did something that you hated. If you are among the .002 percent of Americans who had a bucolic honeymoon, then there’s always Christmases past, the birth of children, or that time you spent $5K at Disney World.
(Bonus Pro Tip: Even soiling happy memories can be great fuel for the fire.)
6. Repeat whatever they say back to them in an antagonistic voice.
Especially if they’ve just said something kind and genuine. It looks like this, “Babe, can we just talk about this?” You respond, “OH, WE CAN TALK ABOUT THIS.” The possibilities are endless. Try to imagine yourself as a perched squawky bird.
7. For the Ladies Only: Birth Stories
Gloriously claim victory over any domestic chores argument by bringing up childbirth. “How great that you unloaded the dishwasher? I MADE BABIES!” This is especially effective if you do it in front of the babies you are talking about. Then, everyone will know you are a champion.
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COMMENTS
4 responses to “Seven Tips for Winning an Argument with Your Spouse”
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Ben I been married to long to start anything, I can run any more, so I have to be nice!
THAT is funny!
One tip for winning an argument with your spouse: Don’t.
Addendum to #5: . . . or your wedding.