This confessional comes to us from SM White.
Don’t Waste Your Life! That was the title of a book that John Piper wrote back in 2003, and, excited about another great book like Desiring God, this so-called Christian hedonist excitedly bought it off of the book table at his church.
I wish I could tell you what it was about, but I failed to read it just because of the fact that something about the title bothered me–that it was just another one of the things in a long list that I had already failed to accomplish.
There is a long list of things I “coulda” and “shoulda” done in my life–nearly as long as the list of things I shoulda not done. Certainly I could have been a better child. I hung out with the wrong crowd. I rebelled, I skipped school, I did inhale. Once I became a believer, though, I reformed quite a bit: love, marriage, baby in a baby carriage. I became much more virtuous and serious about my Christianity, and my parenting. I started feeling like a success, because I did have some success.
But success for myself, and my children began to define my value, my meaning, my self-worth. Honestly, I didn’t really notice it. To me I was just getting by. I didn’t even realize that I was on a treadmill of self-justification. I just knew I was tired, and yet I needed to do better. I needed to improve. I needed to succeed.
Recently, I’ve realized that I essentially have two lists to keep, two stories to tell about myself. I have the story I tell everyone else, and the story I keep in my own mind. The story I keep in my mind is the real story, and it’s a story of a miserable wretch. I’m pretty good at the story that I show everyone else. I can talk to people, look them in the eye, and when I’m hitting on all cylinders, I can even sometimes impress them.
The me on the inside often doesn’t feel very likable. If I’m honest, there are times when I don’t even like myself. The resumé on the inside feels more like a rap-sheet of moral crimes and failures, and sometimes they scream louder than anything else, “Shame!”
“But God!”…
Enter the good news that Jesus lived and died and was raised again for me. It is so sweet. It is the only thing that will bring hope and peace to a wasted life like mine. Still, it is often very difficult for someone like me to believe God really loves me, because I have that voice inside that constantly tells me how terrible I really am. Do other people feel like this, I wonder, or am I the only one?
Ultimately I always fall back on God’s promises that he fulfills in Christ, and that I have nothing else to lay hold of but Christ, because I have nothing else to hope in but Christ; so, I hope in Christ. For me, my shame propels me to cast my hope on his mercy because I have no other options. I can’t make him love me; in those moments, I can just trust that in his word he says he does, and God cannot lie (Tt 1:2).
So in the case of the wasted life, I stand, guilty as charged. The sting of that guilt, however, is gone, and the shame is continually lifted away. Not only does “fully forgiven” mean “fully forgiven,” but when I stand I do so in and by and because of His righteousness alone. This is the real game changer. This is scandalous grace. This is worth getting out of bed in the morning! I can live this so-called wasted life, even boldly, even unashamedly. Because I am His and He is mine, and there’s finally some rest. Because, through Him, I’ve already won.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uy32Rbovk1U
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15 responses to “Confessions of a Wasted Life: The Internal Critique and the Love of God”
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ttp://www.newrepublic.com/article/121915/dont-search-purpose-you-will-fail
We would be better off if we liberated work from the moral weight of “purpose.” There is dignity in the struggle just to get the objective (NEED, PAID) and subjective (GOOD, LOVE) elements of our work closer to each other. If we’re lucky, then we will be exploited for what we are good at, and we will meet someone else’s need through our own exhaustion. There is cause for celebration in that.
Few of us will ever find our meritocratic purpose, much less “OWN it!” That shouldn’t mean we’re failures. Often, just standing in the PAID circle is a triumph. That’s certainly true for day laborers, whose purpose on the job is to make each other’s work bearable. Their rule is, “Carry your end of the load.” If we all adopted that rule, then once we’ve carried our end, we can meet at the water cooler, share a laugh, and scheme to knock off early. Being human together is purpose enough.
READ THE DAMN BOOK!
You are not the only one.
I noticed the same thing. What! More things to do?
I’m one step from the edge most of the time for crying out loud.
Thanks for writing this article. Good stuff.
Mark: Insightful article, thank you!
David: No
Drab: Amen
Robert: Hang in there, and fix your eyes on Christ!
Still, it is often very difficult for someone like me to believe God really loves me, because I have that voice inside that constantly tells me how terrible I really am. Do other people feel like this, I wonder, or am I the only one?
How did you get inside my head? Thank you for reminding me I’m not alone in this.
Susan C: I think it’s more common than many pastors think. I think parents have a lot to do with shaping their children’s views of God, and that “conditional conditioning” can last a lifetime. I think that as long as we don’t just wallow in it, but that any of our thoughts of unworthiness drive us to Christ where we see that He has proclaimed our great value in Him (That we are accepted, approved, and loved) , then it’s ok when we often don’t feel ok about ourselves. The proclamation of both Law and Gospel protect us from either extreme of a self-satisfied triumphalism, or a perpetual self-abased wallowing. That there is indeed healing in Christ.
Thank you and others on here for sharing back with me and encouraging me that my experiences are not so uncommon.
–SM White
Really liked this, thanks SM White!
Em7sr: Thank you!
Thanks SM. Really good stuff. Thanks for your transparency. i really just wanted to say thanks for writing such a refreshing blog post. I found it very encouraging on a Monday morning where I am getting myself motivated for another week of looking for a job after being laid off. first time in 25 years I’ve had to look for a job. And the question about a wasted life comes up regularly in my thinking. Your words were life giving.
Thanks!
Stu Willis.
Thank you, and I said a prayer for you and your job search. Trust in the Lord, and keep moving forward!
Sm white, Im glad they published this. Oh how those piper books can create despair. I remember reading when I don’t desire God and slamming my head down when it tried to give me a prescription for depression. Anyways keep sharing!
Julian,
Thank you for your encouragement, both before and after I wrote and submitted this!
It can be relatively easy to describe the Gospel, but it is very difficult to describe the responsive Christian life without then deleting the Gospel.
Tom Fitzgibbon: Very true, although in many Christians can not even articulate the gospel its self. They are not being discipled and equipped in their church to do so. In some ways I think that the sign of a healthy church might not be how well the pastor can preach the gospel, but if the members of that body can and are.