This passage is written by Simone Weil. The French theologian and writer, Jean Sulivan writes in his Spiritual Journal Morning Light that, when he thinks about the tenderness of God, and the enigma of Christ, nothing for him describes better the longing (and pain) better than this passage from Simone Weil.
He brought me out and made me climb into a garret (an attic). Through the open window one could see the whole city spread out, some wooden scaffoldings, and the river on which boats were being unloaded. He bade me be seated.
We were alone. He spoke. From time to time someone would enter, mingle in the conversation, then leave again.
Winter had gone; spring had not yet come. The branches of the trees lay bare, without buds, in the cold air full of sunshine.
The light of day would arise, shine forth in splendor, and fade away; then the moon and the stars would enter through the window. And then once more the dawn would come up.
At times he would fall silent, take some bread from a cupboard, and we would share it. The bread really had the taste of bread. I have never found that taste again.
He would pour out some wine for me, and some for himself–wine which tasted of the sun and of the soil upon which this city was built.
At other times we would stretch ourselves out on the floor of the garret and sweet sleep would enfold me. Then I would wake and drink in the light of the sun.
He had promised to teach me, but he did not teach me anything. We talked about all kinds of things, in a desultory way, as do old friends.
One day he said to me: “Now go.” I fell down before him, I clasped his knees, I implored him not to drive me away. But he threw me out on the stairs. I went down unconscious of anything, my heart as it were in shreds. I wandered along the streets. Then I realized that I had no idea where his house lay.
I have never tried to find it again. I understood that he had come to me by mistake. My place is not in that garret. It can be anywhere–in a prison cell, in one of those middle-class drawing-rooms full of knick-knacks and red plush, in the waiting room of a station–anywhere, except in that garret.
Sometimes, I cannot help trying, fearfully and remorsefully, to repeat to myself a part of what he said to me. How am I to know if I remember rightly? He is not there to tell me.
I know well that he does not love me. How could he love me? And yet deep down within me something, a particle of myself, cannot help thinking, with fear and trembling, that perhaps, in spite of everything, he loves me.
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4 responses to “In Spite of Everything, He Loves Me”
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So grateful for this post.
“He had come to me by mistake.” Wow, I don’t care what anyone says, I love this woman. Great find, E
This is wonderful, thank you.
There are some points to consider here.
The description she had of Christ as a friend and afterwards presumably as someone that refused her, may not be a truly mystical experience of an encounter with Jesus, at least in what concerns His refusal of her, therefore it is likely to have been an illusion brought by the devil to cause desbelief on her.
Then, the fact that in her deep heart she was still able to say
“… And yet deep down within me something, a particle of myself, cannot help thinking, with fear and trembling, that perhaps, in spite of everything, he loves me.”
shows that Christ came to her help to evade her doubts of being reproched by Him as He gives this assurance to her, not, however, without the always presente human cooperation that comes through “faith”.
I mean, when Simone says that she believes deep down within her that perhaps He loves her, she is declaring her faith on Jesus, the same faith one of the thieves on the cross declared that got the assurance of salvation from Jesus.
What Simone then has experienced is the true dimension of faith at one decisive moment of her existence.
What a great thing that she has shared it!!!