Pretty hilarious one from the Onion archives. You can read the whole thing here:
CHARLOTTE, NC–After two and a half years of subtle prodding and manipulation, Jill Nickles has finally molded boyfriend Brendan Eiler into the sort of man in whom she’s not interested. “When I first met Brendan, he was a guitarist for [local rock band] The Heavy Petters, and I couldn’t take my eyes off him,” said Nickles, 28. “I used to go to Tramp’s every Thursday night just to watch him play. He wasn’t even the most handsome guy in the world, but he just had this mystique, this air of danger about him. He was really exciting. It’s too bad he’s not like that anymore.”
At Nickles’ urging, Eiler quit his job at Mickey’s [Bar] and landed a position at SFR Solutions, a Charlotte-area web-design firm. The job paid nearly $4,000 a year more than bartending, enabling the couple to move into a larger apartment. With a full-time job and a live-in girlfriend, Eiler’s relationship with his bandmates soon began to deteriorate.
Upon quitting the band, Eiler’s lifestyle changes accelerated. In September 2000, he cut his long mane of hair in an effort to land a promotion to associate design director at SFR Solutions. Nickles also convinced him to become a vegetarian and sell his customized leather jacket to put a down payment on a new Toyota Camry.
“When we first started dating, Jill loved how I looked in that jacket,” Eiler said. “But then, a few months later, she said I was getting too old to wear something like that. Plus, it didn’t really gibe with my new vegetarian beliefs. So, with Jill’s full support, I decided it was time to put my old ways to rest.”
Now a self-described homebody, Eiler said he finds his domestic lifestyle “really satisfying.”
Despite Nickles’ success in sculpting Eiler into “husband material,” she found her attraction for him beginning to wane. “The reason I fell so hard for Brendan was that he was totally different from the guys I used to date,” Nickles said. “He had beautiful long hair, and he was really smart and cynical. Now he reminds me of my boring ex-boyfriend Kevin, who’s an accountant in Raleigh.”
Even though Nickles’ nights of going out to see The Heavy Petters are long over, she still enjoys going out on occasion.
“A couple of weeks ago, I was at the bar Brendan and I used to go to all the time,” Nickles said. “I ran into Rob, the bassist for Brendan’s old band and, I have to tell you, he looked really good. We hung out and talked for hours and just had a great time. Drinking and laughing with him really reminded me of the way it used to be with Brendan. I think I’m developing a little crush on Rob.
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7 responses to “From The Onion: Girlfriend Changes Man Into Someone She’s Not Interested In”
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This is genious, and soooooo true. Reminds me of the Jason Bateman/Jennifer Garner thing in Juno, ad goes to show how we have absolutely no idea what we actually want, and that if we try to make it or manipulate it in any way, we just rip it to shreds.
This is sadly and hilariously true…
Why do we do that and how do we not do that?! For goodness sake! What is the remedy? How do I tell my heart to shut up if my mind knows it is telling me something contradictory to reason? Is reasonability even my goal? O Lord. Seriously. Any for me ideas?
More profoundly, this is what God does NOT want to do in the process of our sanctification. I mean, really, think about that. This is exactly what 99% of congregations think sanctification is. It’s also what most people are afraid missionary work accomplishes. We really need to rethink completely what we think transformation means under the gospel. It means more freedom, not less.
So…I am free to screw myself up even more by dating men whom I am attracted to and/or are trouble?! That is a definite possibilty, right? Maybe the Lord wants to sanctify me thrrough it. That scares me. I want to avoid the pain, you know?
I must pray, read the Bible, be around his people, receive sacraments, and hold on for dear life…maybe the more accurate phrase would be dear death, since I am called to suffering and death. Aye yeay yeay!
My wife re-gifts the same Valentine’s Day card to me every year. The cover of the card goes something like this: “Some women marry a man, hoping to change him into the man they want him to be, but I love you just the way you are…” Open it up, and the inside reads “JUST DON”T GET ANY WORSE!”
This may be the reason we are still married after 32 years.
I am reminded of a quote from Maugham’s The Razor’s Edge: American women expect to find in their husbands a perfection that English women only hope to find in their butlers.